Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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