i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
