I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
