the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just invented taco cereal.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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