It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
