my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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