the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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