I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
