the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
