I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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