the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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