Kiss
Puke
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
