Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
