1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
