i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
