So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
