Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
