an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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