Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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