Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
