So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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