my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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