He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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