areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
