I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
