I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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