i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
