She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
