I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize