Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
