if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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