a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
