party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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