I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
