that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
