Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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