Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
