Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I cut my penus on the lid.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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