A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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