i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
