i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish š
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Iām going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
