apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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