We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dicks are not precious.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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