My nipple is on Facebook.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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