I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
