Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
