I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
