I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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