Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
