i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
