she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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