Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize