i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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