It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
