He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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