This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
