I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
