we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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