tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
