I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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